Relationships can be tricky - Lifestyle - Gaston Gazette

Dear Cindy: I have friends and family members who express interest in maintaining a relationship, but do little or nothing to support that interest. I realize one choice would be to discontinue the relationship, but that could be awkward or not a realistic solution.

What are your thoughts about:

Family who welcome visits and overnight stays, but almost always decline invitations to do the same at my home.

Friends who say they want to get together but never call, e-mail or text to arrange it and who do not respond in a timely fashion, if at all, to requests for same.

Friends who never checked in with me during my surgery recovery.

Thanks. — What to do about Family and Friends

Dear What to do about Family and Friends: You present a variety of family and friends challenges and I will do my best to address them all.

Unfortunately it is not all that uncommon for many people, in general, to express their interest in pursuing relationships by promising future get-togethers and never following through.

I have grappled with this frustration, too, but have never quite figured it out. My sense is that when people say that they want to get together, they truly mean it in the moment.

Then somehow, their lives get busy and seeing us is not quite at the top of their list. Which isn’t to say that if we initiated contact for a planned event, they’d happily join us.

Of course there is frustration when we are always the ones who reach out, but as you say, discontinuing the relationship may not be the best option. I suppose that if we enjoy their company it might be worth it to remain involved. However, if the situation has become a burden, unpleasant and stressful, it’s probably in our best interest to sever ties.

Visiting with family has unique challenges. Some of us don’t mind having others in our homes. We are in charge of the household, familiar with our turf and overall, comfortable with our routines. We can invite others into our abode pretty naturally.

When I visit your home I may not sleep as well, feel a bit disoriented and uncomfortable. It is doubtful is doubtful that this dynamic has anything to do with you since clearly, you are welcome in their home(s).

As noted earlier, there are many people who say that they want to get together and fail to follow through or don’t respond to emails or texts to confirm their attendance. We are not wrong to have expectations but we must be careful not to build resentments when family or friends don’t meet them.

I think we need to examine the value we get from our relationships, choosing them based on the joy or the discontent that they bring. Life is precious and we need to be mindful of how we spend our energy. Some folks are worth sticking with (even if they make us a little crazy) and others need to be let go.

It is hurtful when friends do not check up on us after we’ve had surgery. It is a time when we need support, when we feel vulnerable. Surprisingly, sometimes friends are uncertain about whether or not to call or visit. I worked with a client who didn’t want to burden her friend by going to visit. This had everything to do with my client and nothing to do with her friend.

It is never inappropriate for you to call your friends and tell them that you’d love to chat, or plan a visit. We cannot figure out what motivates other people, but we do deserve to get our needs met.

Cindy Davis is a retired, licensed professional counselor. All inquiries are confidential. Questions can be emailed to cindysuggests@gmail.com.