Set boundaries with chronic complainer - Lifestyle - Havelock News

Monday

Jan 27, 2020 at 1:10 AM

Dear Cindy Suggests: I’ve been friends with “Katy” for roughly 15 years. She is sweet as can be and generous and kind. Whenever we socialize, I enjoy her company.

Admittedly, she spends the entire time complaining and being really negative while I just listen and offer guidance and support. I don’t mind this at all. But when we run into each other at the grocery store or someplace else in public, it doesn’t stop Katy from complaining and being negative. I become impatient and uncomfortable and irritated with her. I hardly think she notices because it is always me who has to excuse myself. What is the difference? — To Be Or Not To Be

Dear To Be or Not to Be: You must be an excellent listener. Almost everyone I know enjoys being listened to, including me. It makes us feel important, validated and heard.

“Katy” clearly values your friendship because among other things you provide a sounding board for her. And I’m guessing that you get something out of listening to her and giving her advice because this, too, can make us feel worthy and needed. It is curious that you don’t enjoy encounters with Katy publicly.

Do you feel self-conscious around others because it worries you what others might think when she’s complaining and being negative? Are you impatient because you are needing to run errands and don’t really have the time to chat?

I wonder if this is where your resentment lies. You mention that Katy doesn’t really notice your irritation, so it seems harmless to continue to excuse yourself as needed, politely, of course.

I suspect that once you feel OK about setting this boundary for yourself, it will alleviate your stress and you’ll be able continue to enjoy your friendship, no matter where you are.

Cindy Davis is a retired, licensed professional counselor. All inquiries are confidential. Questions can be emailed to cindysuggests@gmail.com.