Dealing with death of a spouse - New Jersey Herald

Cathy Novaky, Ph.D., is an outpatient clinician for Behavioral Health Services at Altantic Health System’s Newton Medical Center.

Q: My husband died last year, and my family seems to have dealt with it and moved on. But I’m still missing him every day. Is that wrong?

A: First, let me say that I’m sorry for your loss. It’s only one year since you lost your husband. You’re not doing anything wrong. You’re grieving. How we experience grief is as individual as we ourselves are. Personal factors like coping style, life experiences, faith and the depth of the loss all contribute to how grief affects you. Common symptoms of grief include shock, disbelief, sadness, guilt, anger, loneliness and fear. Some people lose motivation or try to isolate themselves. Physical symptoms like fatigue, weight change, aches and pains and insomnia may occur as well. Keep in mind, any of these could be considered a reasonable response to loss.

There is no right or wrong way to grieve, no timetable, no specific steps you need to go through. Most people are familiar with the Kubler-Ross “Five Stages of Grief:” denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. However, you do not have to go through each stage to heal, and some people don’t go through any of them.

The most important message for healing from grief is to recognize what’s happening, be patient with yourself, and reach out for support. Don’t try to escape the pain with self-medication like drinking or diving into work or TV; try to acknowledge that you’re suffering from loss and accept that it’s natural, even though it doesn’t feel comfortable. I usually tell my patients that our pain in loss represents the respect and caring we feel toward the lost one, and it honors them and what they brought to our lives. Missing your husband shows how important he was, and still is, to you.

Take care of yourself. Be patient with the roller coaster of emotions. Treat yourself to healthy food and your favorite music, soothe yourself with a hot bath, walking in nature and getting back to your hobbies. Plan ahead for upcoming holidays and anniversaries that are likely to trigger more memories and sadness. Give yourself permission to handle things in whatever way works for you.

Support is very important in dealing with grief. Friends, family and others who are also grieving can listen and support your experience. They benefit from connecting with you as well. You might look into a widow’s support group or consider talking with a therapist to help you explore your emotions.

Just remember that patience, time, self-care and emotional support gradually ease the pain of loss. Slowly, we return to a lifestyle, not the same as before, but the “new normal” of a lifestyle rich with the memories and gifts of loved ones. If you do find the need to reach out for professional help, we are here when you need us. For information on Behavioral Health Treatment at Newton Medical Center, call 973-383- 1533.